Stephen Helps President Obama Polish His Résumé

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHERE
THAT CHALKBOARD
WOULD NOT BE BLURRED?ON MY LIVE ELECTION NIGHT
SPECIAL ON SHOWTIME, 11:00 P. M. ON THE EAST COAST, 8:00 P. M. IN
THE WEST. ON THIS SHOW “TIME” SPECIAL —
I WILL NOT BE DRAWING PENISES,
BUT THERE WILL BE PENISES.
FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF SIGNS
THE ECONOMY IS IMPROVING, BUTTHERE ARE STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE
OUT THERE STRUGGLING TO FIND
WORK. DID YOU KNOW UNEMPLOYMENT IS
CURRENTLY 100% AMONG AMERICA’S
BILLY BUSHES?
AND A FRIEND OF THE SHOW IS
ABOUT TO LOSE HIS JOB, SO LASTWEEK I HELPED HIM TRANSITION TO
HIS SECOND CAREER. JIM?>> STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SIR. >> Stephe
TEPHEN. >> Stephen: ALWAYS THE BEST. HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?>> STEPHEN: OH, JUST– YOU KNOW,
I’M ALWAYS– INTERESTED IN
TALKING TO THE LEADER OF THEFREE WORLD. LOOK, I AM SO THRILLED TO JOIN
YOU HERE AT CARNEGIE MELLON
UNIVERSITY. AND JUST LIKE ALL THE STUDENTS
OUT THERE TAKING PART IN THE
WHITE HOUSE FRONTIERSCONFERENCE, YOU TOO WILL SOON BE
LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?>> THAT IS TRUE. >> STEPHEN: AND I AM HONORED
THAT YOU ASKED ME HERE TO HELP. >> STEPHEN, I DIDN’T ASK YOU
HERE TO HELP. I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW YOU GOT
IN HERE. >> STEPHEN: IT’S OKAY TO BE
NERVOUS. ALL RIGHT?WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A SEAT?>> I’M ALREADY SITTING. >> STEPHEN: GOOD. SEE IT’S STARTING OFF VERY WELL
ALREADY. AND I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD
START WITH A PRACTICE INTERVIEW
AND I’VE GOT JUST THE MAN WHOCOULD HELP YOU. EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND. >> STEPHEN?>> STEPHEN: YES SIR, JUST A
MOMENT. >> HELLO. >> HELLO. >> I’M RANDY. I’M THE OFFICER MANAGER. >> HELLO, RANDY. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. THIS IS GOING TO GO VERY WELL. >> ARE YOU–
>> STEPHEN: OKAY. >> –INTENDING TO– HELP ME
SHARPEN MY SKILLS– WHEN I GO IN
FOR AN INTERVIEW?IS THAT– YOUR INTENTION HERE?>> STEPHEN: IT’S WHAT I DO FOR A
LIVING. >> OKAY. >> STEPHEN: WE’RE HERE TO FIND
OUT WHAT YOU’RE GONNA DO FOR A
LIVING, OKAY?>> ALL RIGHT. LET’S TRY IT OUT. >> STEPHEN: 55. TOUGH TIME TO START OVER FOR A
MAN. OKAY. I HAVE A COPY OF YOUR RESUME
HERE. WHY DON’T YOU HAND IT TO ME AS
IF YOU WERE APPLYING FOR A JOB. GO AHEAD AND DO IT. THAT’S GOOD. YOU’RE A NATURAL. OK. HELLO, MR. O’BALMER. AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY?>> CLOSE ENOUGH. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET’S SEE,
PAPAPAPAPA I DON’T SEE ANY
PROMOTIONS FOR THE LAST EIGHTYEARS. THAT’S NOT ALWAYS GOOD. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT?>> HONESTLY, THERE WASN’T A LOT
OF ROOM FOR ADVANCEMENT IN MY
LAST JOB. THE ONLY ONE WITH A MORE
POWERFUL POSITION WAS MY WIFE. >> STEPHEN: OH OKAY. AH, GOOD. UH-HUH. IS IT A TWOFER?CAN WE GET BOTH OF YOU, BY ANY
CHANCE?>> DOUBTFUL. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. SO TELL ME WHY YOU’RE LEAVING. YOU SAY YOU’RE NOT BEING
TERMINATED, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU CAN’T STAY. IS THAT TRUE?>> WELL, I’M LEAVING BECAUSE
IT’S REQUIRED BY THE 22ND
AMENDMENT OF THE UNITED STATESCONSTITUTION. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LITTLE TIP. WHEN YOU SAY STAYING IN YOUR JOB
WOULD BE UNCONSTITUTIONAL, WHAT
EMPLOYERS HEAR IS THAT YOU STOLEOFFICE SUPPLIES. OKAY?SO I’D GLOSS OVER THE REST OF
THAT, OK?>> OK. >> STEPHEN: AND DOESN’T SAY
HERE. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
>> REALLY?>> STEPHEN: IS THIS THE LONGEST
FORM OF THIS RESUME AVAILABLE?>> WHY DON’T WE MOVE ON?>> STEPHEN: OKAY, GOOD. DESCRIBE, IF YOU CAN, THE TYPE
OF OFFICE YOU WOULD LIKE TO WORK
IN?>> WELL, I WAS HOPING FOR A NICE
CORNER OFFICE. OR AT LEAST AN OFFICE THAT HAS
CORNERS IN IT. >> STEPHEN: CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT SOME OF YOUR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS?AND KEEP IN MIND IT’S IMPORTANT
TO DESCRIBE THEM IN SUCH A WAY
THAT IT HIGHLIGHTS HOW YOUREXPERIENCE MIGHT BE RELEVANT TO
A POTENTIAL EMPLOYER. >> OKAY, WELL– I BROKERED
INTERNATIONAL DEALS THAT SLOWED
THE IMPACT OF CLIMATE CHANGE ANDPREVENTED IRAN FROM ACQUIRING A
NUCLEAR WEAPON. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, LET’S CHANGE
THAT TO “PROFICIENT IN MICROSOFT
EXCEL. “ANYTHING ELSE?>> WELL, I REOPENED RELATIONS
WITH CUBA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
50 YEARS. >> STEPHEN: I’D CALL THAT ONE
“CONVERSATIONAL SPANISH. “SI?OKAY. IT SAYS HERE– LET ME SEE IF I
GOT THIS RIGHT. IT SAYS HERE YOU SAVED THE
AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY. >> YEAH, BUT NOBODY BELIEVES IT. CHANGE THAT TO “DRIVES STICK. “>> STEPHEN: OH, THAT’S GOOD. THAT’S GOOD. IN CASE YOU WANT TO BE A LONG
HAUL TRUCKER. OKAY. IT ALSO SAYS HERE YOU– YOU
HELPED TENS OF MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS WITH THEIR HEALTHCARE. >> YOU BET. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, LET’S TEST
THAT OUT. IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS?>> DON’T DO THAT. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY AWARDS OR
COMMENDATIONS?>> WELL, I HAVE ALMOST 30
HONORARY DEGREES AND I– I DID
GET THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. >> STEPHEN: OH REALLY?WHAT WAS THAT FOR?>> TO BE HONEST, I STILL DON’T
KNOW. >> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD. ALL RIGHT. AND HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO FIRE
ANYONE?>> NO I USUALLY LET SEAL TEAM
SIX HANDLE THAT. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, OUTSOURCING. OKAY GOOD. NOW, SOCIAL MEDIA, VERY HOT. DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH
THAT?LIKE TWITTER?>> WELL, I HAVE 77 MILLION
FOLLOWERS. DOES THAT COUNT?>> STEPHEN: THAT’S VERY
IMPRESSIVE. HOW’D YOU GET SO MANY?>> EXECUTIVE ORDER. >> STEPHEN: REALLY?>> AND PHOTOS OF CATS. >> STEPHEN: OH, SMART. NOW, THESE DAYS EVERY BUSINESS
WANTS TO APPEAL TO THE
MILLENNIALS. YOU KNOW WHAT MILLENNIALS ARE. >> I THINK SO. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO GET THEIR
ATTENTION?>> WELL, I TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP
THAT THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
ELECTION OF THEIR LIFETIMES. THAT THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO MAKE HISTORY. AND THAT THE RESULTS IN NOVEMBER
COULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER
SO THEY HAVE TO GET OUT THEREAND VOTE.
>> STEPHEN: I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T CATCH ALL OF THAT. DID YOU KNOW THERE’S A SNAPCHAT
FILTER THAT GIVES YOU A FLOWER
CROWN?>> OF COURSE I KNOW THAT,
STEPHEN. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET’S BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES,
OKAY?WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BIGGEST
WEAKNESS IS?>> WELL, SOMETIMES– WHEN I
TALK–
I TAKE–TOO MANY PAUSES. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. IN THREE WORDS OR LESS WHAT’S A
COMMON CRITICISM YOU HAVE FOR
OTHERS IN THE WORKPLACE?>> I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE
REDUCE COMPLEX IDEAS TO SOME
SIMPLISTIC CATCH PHRASE. >> STEPHEN: WE CAN’T ACCEPT THAT
ANSWER. >> YES, WE CAN. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET’S SEE. ALMOST DONE. DO YOU HAVE A BUSY SCHEDULE?AM I KEEPING YOU FROM SOMETHING?>> YOU ARE. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. IS THERE ANYONE WE CAN TALK TO
FOR A CHARACTER REFERENCE?>> I KNOW SEVERAL TURKEYS THAT
OWE ME A FAVOR. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. GOOD TO
KNOW. AND HOW DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND
YOUR TIME?DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES?>> YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE
DOING?IS ENCOURAGING THE YOUTH OF
AMERICA TO GET OUT AND VOTE THIS
NOVEMBER SO THAT THE GOOD WORKTHAT WE’VE DONE OVER THE PAST
EIGHT YEARS CAN CONTINUE ON INTO
THE FUTURE. >> STEPHEN: SO NO WHITTLING OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT?>> NO–
>> STEPHEN: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. AND– NOW SIR, BECAUSE WE ARE ON
A NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW, I
CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO ENDORSE ACANDIDATE RIGHT NOW. BUT I DO– I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
YOU ABOUT YOUR CHOICE OF SNACKS. COULD I DO THAT?>> SURE. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT GREAT. I HAVE TWO CHOICES FOR YOU HERE. WOULD YOU CARE FOR AN EXTRA
FIBER NUTRIENT BAR, WHICH HAS
TRAVELED TO MORE THAN ONEHUNDRED COUNTRIES, OR THIS
SHRIVELED TANGERINE COVERED IN
GOLDEN RETRIEVER HAIR, FILLEDWITH BILE THAT I WOULDN’T LEAVE
ALONE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE?>> WELL, I THINK I’LL GO WITH
THE FIBER NUTRIENT BAR. >> STEPHEN: INTERESTING. OKAY. SO, ULTIMATELY, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO BE?>> DONE WITH THIS INTERVIEW?>> STEPHEN: OKAY, GREAT. BEFORE WE WRAP UP ANY QUESTIONS
FOR ME?>> I’M STILL WONDERING HOW DID
YOU GET IN HERE?>> STEPHEN: THAT’S AN EXCELLENT
QUESTION. INQUISITIVE. WE LIKE THAT. OKAY. FANTASTIC. WELL, THAT ALL CHECKS OUT,
MR. PRESIDENT. WE’D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE
POSITION. BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO HAVE THE
MANDATORY COMPANY PHYSICAL. IF YOU’LL JUST– RELAX AND PUT
ON THAT GOWN OVER THERE WE WILL
GET GOING. >> I THINK WE’RE DONE HERE. >> STEPHEN: I HAVE WARM HANDS.
THANK YOU!THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT!>> STEPHEN: WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH BILL O’REILLY.

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